The Courage To Be Disliked

Themes: Courage, anger, community, Adlerian psychology, experiences, life, lifestyle, interpersonal relationships, people, happiness, tasks, purposes, ability
Link to Amazon: The Courage To Be Disliked
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This book is about Adlerian psychology and is covering about concepts such as feelings of inferiority, relationships, the superiority complex, the courage, and the sense of belonging and freedom.

The core of the book states that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems. Additionally, it says that all human behaviors are driven by feelings of inferiority also known as always pursuing the best, for more, and becoming better by achieving goal after goal to have "superiority feelings" when compared to others.

Quotes and some thoughts

• "We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining."

• "We determine our own lives according to the meaning we give to those past experiences."

• "Your life is not something that someone gives you, but something you choose yourself, and you are the ones who decide how you live."

• "Anger is a means to achieve a goal."

• "Anger is a tool, a means for achieving a goal."

Because when you are angry with something/someone your actions/words will force the other to obey you as you are plunged into a state of anger and you want the other to be wrong.

• "No one, not even the most hardened criminal, becomes involved in crime purely out of a desire to engage in evil acts."

Only, one comes to the end in engaging in evil acts because of the situations and circumstances he is facing. Therefore, it is a choice of whether which choice is less "bad" than the other one.

• "But, if you change your lifestyle - the way of giving meaning to the world and yourself - then, both your way of interacting with the world and your behavior will have to change as well."

• "A healthy feeling of inferiority is not something that comes from comparing oneself to others, but from one's comparison with one's ideal self."

• "The person who always has the will to help another in times of need - that is someone who may properly be called your comrade."

• "But Adlerian's psychology does not accept restricting one's partner. If the person seems to be happy, one can frankly celebrate that condition. That is love. Relationships in which people restrict each other eventually fall apart."

• "Everything is an interpersonal issue."

• "Adlerian psychology is psychology for changing oneself, not psychology for changing others."

• "All problems are interpersonal relationship problems."

• "Whenever we go, we are surrounded by other people, and we are social individuals, who exist in our relations to other people."

• "When one seeks recognition from others, and concerns oneself only with how one is judged by others, in the end, one is living other people's lives."

• "Forcing change while ignoring the person's intentions will only lead to an intense reaction."

• "You are the only one who can change yourself."

• "Intervening in other people's tasks and taking on other people's tasks turns one's life into something heavy and full of hardship."

• "Adler says that children who have not been taught to confront challenges will try to avoid all challenges."

• "Freedom is being disliked by other people because when you are disliked by someone, it is proof that you are exercising your freedom and living in freedom and a sign that you are living in accordance with your own principles."

• "The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked. When you have gained that courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness."

• "A sense of belonging is something one is endowed with at birth. The community feeling is based on your commitment to the community. It is because one gives something that one can find one's refuge."

• "When one person praises another, the goal is to manipulate someone who has less ability than you. It is done out of gratitude or respect."

• "When one is not following through with one's tasks, it is not because one is without ability. Adlerian psychology tells us that the issue here is not one of ability, but simply put that one has lost the courage to face one's tasks. And, if that is the case, the thing to do before anything else is to recover that lost courage."

What the author means by "task" refers to the "responsibilities" that one has to face in life, all the external expectations of you are what "task" is referring to. Therefore, if one is not completing their "responsibilities/life tasks" it is showing that one lost his courage.

• "In general, all interpersonal relationship troubles are caused by intruding on other people's tasks or having one's own tasks intruded on. The act of intruding here is manipulation, pure and simple."

• "Being praised is what leads people to form the belief that they have no ability. The more one is praised by another person, the more one forms the belief that one has no ability."

• "It is only when a person is able to feel that he has worth that he can possess courage."

• "We do not lack ability. We just lack courage. It all comes down to courage."

• "People can change, regardless of their ages."

• "Happiness is the feeling of contribution. That is the definition of happiness."

• "People can only be truly aware of their worth when they are able to feel 'I am of use to someone'. However, it doesn't matter if the contribution one makes at such a time is without any visible form. It is enough to have the subjective feeling of contribution."

• "Life is complete. The life that ends at the age of twenty and the life that ends at ninety are both complete lives, and lives of happiness. The greatest life lie of all is to not live here and now. It is to look at the past and the future and not live the irreplaceable moments of your life."

• "Life has no meaning, whatever meaning life has must be assigned to it by the individual.

Always have the courage to follow your dreams and to do whatever you always wanted to do, speak up for what you defend, and to work towards your goals to move them from impossible to possible.